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Before all the enforced ‘me-time’ that’s been one of the biggest changes to my life during the Covid-19 lockdown, I was often running around, being so busy that I never really had time to think much about what I was doing, and whether it was aligned with my values and inclinations. In fact, having too many things on my to-do list was probably a way for me to avoid thinking about those things, because I didn’t think I deserved the time to reflect on what I actually needed and enjoyed. As long as I was ‘achieving’ things, I felt OK about myself.
At first, having to spend more time in my own company without that reassuring sense of ‘getting stuff done’ made me feel very uneasy; I felt invisible and irrelevant. But I also felt this was a chance to finally face the demons of inadequacy which had always goaded me to ‘do’ more; and to get the know the person who was hiding behind all that frantic activity.
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As a first step, I had to forgive myself for past failings, and let go of the idea that I had fallen short of being ‘successful’ in some externally measured way; and give myself permission to spend more time doing things because they felt good and right to me, not because I thought I ‘should’.
To help me remember this, I wrote down a Lockdown List to remind myself of what’s important in my life:
1. I need to do work which is challenging and interesting; to connect with and pursue things that I enjoy and believe in – and not waste time with anything else. My guiding principle is: to do what I love and has meaning for me, and at the same time to do no harm; to act from a sense of choice rather than of obligation.
2. I feel better when I speak my truth and live in a way that I feel is right – rather than from wanting to fit in or be praised. When I stop reacting to how other people think or feel and ‘taking it personally’, I can believe that I’m ‘enough’ and don’t need to project my insecurities onto other people, and then criticise them to make myself feel better. And when other people’s views different to mine, I try not to assume I’m right and ‘judge’ or change them.
3. Analysing and ‘understanding’ myself and others can be helpful in small doses, but not when it gets in the way of being present- and-connected with what’s actually happening. It’s better to be swimming in the river of life, than looking on from the side and trying to figure out what’s going on there as a way to make it seem safer; t’s better to ‘stop thinking; and start living’.
4. Staying in a long-term intimate partnership is challenging for me; but I think that’s true for a lot of people! But I choose to make my marriage as enjoyable as possible for both of us, and to help my wife feel accepted and appreciated by me for who she is, and hope she can offer me the same. By having a better connection with my own needs and feelings, I’m not expecting her to make me feel better about myself – and then being disappointed, because this is something no one else can ever do for me!
5. Sharing work and fun times with friends is essential, and I’m very lucky to have a couple of really good ones, so it’s important to connect with them regularly and make sure they know how much I value them. I accept and appreciate them for who they are, so I won’t be angry when they don’t act/feel the way I think they ‘should’; and if anyone really lets me down, I forgive them – but also make it clear that I probably won’t accept it a second time.
6. I need to feel part of a community; that I’m contributing to positive change in the world in some way, however small (because I enjoy it, not because I want to be ‘a good person’). I’ll need to focus on where I can be most effective because of my own particular interests and experiences; and make service the centre of my life – letting go of my need to please, impress and be approved of.
7. I love doing creative stuff, but it will never be more than an important hobby for me – partly because I’m probably not all that talented, and also because I like to have several ‘projects’ on the go at once, and I’m convinced that to become outstanding at something, you have to make that the main focus of your life, and that’s not a price I’m willing or able to pay. So I can enjoy my creativity without feeling I’ve failed, or that I need to ‘achieve’ more.
I don’t have a lot of money, but there’s enough coming in that I don’t have to ‘worry’ about it. But I DO need to look after my mental/physical/spiritual health. Sticking to all the above, and remembering not to take any of it too seriously (especially myself), I know I’ll be able to authentically live my own life. For my hopefully soon to be post-lockdown self, that’s all the ‘success’ I need.
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The post Seven Things I’ve Learned About Life During Lockdown appeared first on The Good Men Project.